


Am I real?

by ChildOfLight



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Dissociation, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2018-05-10 05:59:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5573434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChildOfLight/pseuds/ChildOfLight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Was he real?</p>
<p>No one looks. No one sees.</p>
<p>Was he real?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Am I real?

**Author's Note:**

> This had been sitting in my cupboard since October with my fears and I'm not at all sure if this even conveys everything I wanted to, but let's give it a shot.

A lone boy stands on the platform, still, unmoving. Watching people walk by, minding their own business.

_Was he real?_

No one looks. No one sees.

_Was he real?_

Tooru felt numb. Like he had forgotten his body somewhere on the way, like his mind had travelled somewhere far, far away.

_Am I real?_

A body collides with him, and it feels like a car exceeding the speeding limit. The person is gone with a swift apology before Tooru even realizes what happened. He feels like he was knocked back into his body, and god was it painful. Wrong.

_Is anything real?_

He stands there for a little while, getting the hang of being in his body, before moving towards the trains. He boards the first ones, not really caring where it was headed as long he didn't have to go to home any time soon. He could call Iwa-chan, but the prideful side of him didn't let him. Or was it the side that was terrified of showing weakness? Vulnerability?

"Excuse me, could you tell me what the date it is?"

It takes a while for Tooru to realize the question is aimed at him, way too long. He looks up to this old, kind-faced passenger. What day is it?

_He had no idea._

"Uh- um. I- I don't know." He looks at his feet, feeling... lost? Weak?

_What day is it? What- what month is it even? Year?_

He had no idea.

Tooru was scared. He had no idea when it had got like this. When had it got so hard to keep his grip in the reality? In his own identity? He could feel that grip loosening up, and he tried, tried so hard to keep his fist curled up, but his fingers were losing power, letting go, wanting to give up the life-long battle.

The train was packed, people everywhere and Tooru felt as if they were all looking at him, judging him, standing in his way. It felt suffocating. He had to get out. Now! Get out! GET OUT GET OUT GET-

Cold air hit his face. He stood on the platform, the train leaving for its next destination behind him. Tooru just stood there, panting, mind racing. What was that? In the back of his mind the words _panic attack_ came to mind, but why would he have one? He had never had them, why would he now? Tooru was overwhelmed, unable to comprehend.

He took deep breaths, trying to calm down. His breaths were shaky and weak. When had breathing become so hard? He felt confused, powerless, dizzy.

*******

 

Tooru woke up the next day in his bed with sun shining brightly and the birds singing their song. He had a faint memory of the day before, but how on earth had he managed to come home, he had no idea. He was wearing his pajamas and felt physically okay, so he hadn't gotten drunk or anything. After a minute or two, or twenty, of lying on his back, watching the ceiling, he got up and made a bowl of cereal (which he didn't find the appetite to finish). Glanced at the shower, but god, _he had no energy._ At one point he remembered he had a phone, and checked it to see a few messages from Iwaizumi. Had he forgotten a study session or something?

That  was not the case when he took a look at the messages.

 

**10:15**

**Hey. Are you awake? Call me when you get this.**

**10:37**

**Cmon Oikawa you cant still be sleeping.**

**10:59**

**Wake up!!!**

 

The rest of the messages were just varying amount of exclamation marks. Tooru frowned. Was something wrong? He hit the call button, straightening his back from the slouching position he had been in.

 

**" Finally!"**

"Hello, Iwa-chan! What's so urgent?"

**"Look, what was your deal yesterday? You-"**

_What? Had Iwa- He wasn't there?_

_Was he?_

"What do you mean by yesterday?"

Iwaizumi fell silent for few seconds, like he wasn't expecting that.

**"What. What do *you* mean by that?"**

"I didn't see you yesterday...?"

More silence.

**"Are you kidding me? I brought you home yesterday! I saw you at the train station and at first I thought you were drunk, except you weren't really swaying or anything. Look, Oikawa- What is going on? Is everything alright?"**

Iwa-chan had been there. Why did he not remember it?

**"Oikawa?"**

Tooru didn't know what to say. He felt scared again. He couldn't, he just couldn't,

**" _Tooru?_ "**

"I don't- Iwa-chan, I can't," He felt like he was choking, like the tears that didn't run down his face anymore where instead in his throat, cutting his oxygen supply, silencing him. "I'm not. Okay. I'm- I'm not okay, Iwa-chan."

**"Calm down, okay? Tooru? Can you do that for me?"** Iwaizumi's voice was strong and unwavering and Tooru hang on to it for stability, for strength. **"I'm coming over, okay? And we can talk, you can tell me everything."** And for the first time, the thought of doing that didn't make Tooru feel like he needed a shell to hide under, a lie to cover the truth. Sure, he was still scared, but he knew Iwa-chan would not judge him. Why had he even suspected that in the first place?

 

Iwaizumi arrived in ten minutes, letting himself in with the spare key under Toorus doormat ( _I keep telling you, that's a shitty place to hide it!_ ) _._ He waited for Tooru to speak up, patiently, giving him the space he needed. When he finally did, Iwaizumi listened patiently when he told him about yesterday, about days, months, years before yesterday.

How he sometimes felt like he wasn't in his body, like he wasn't always sure he even existed, how his thoughts were jumbled up and came out even more jumbled up, like he couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, didn't feel like he cared about anything, really.

About his fears, and doubts, about the slight glimpses of how he _thinks_ he used to want things with a burning passion, how those glimpses felt like a torturing reminder of how incapable of everything he had become.

Iwaizumi didn't say anything, and somehow,  it was more comforting than any word, any sentence or speech he could say.

He was home, for the first time in his life.

But if he was home, then why did he feel homesick?

_But if I'm home then why do I feel homesick?_


End file.
